Friday, October 30, 2015

A Letter of Thanks for an Underappreciated Service

The art of the long-form letter is dead.

Or, if not dead, being kept alive only through artificial means;
Against the express wishes of its DNR.

A friend of mine collects pen-pals.
In this day and age.
They hand-write their letters and send each other chocolates from across various oceans.
I don’t know where to buy stamps.
I’m not saying I couldn’t Google it, I’m just saying I’d have to.

When I was young, I was fascinated by handwriting analysis.
You can tell so much about a person by the way they push the tip of a pen across paper,
And I was always so desperate to glean insight into humanity.

I prefer typing. 

It’s not that I want to hide my nature,
It’s that I’d rather be judged on what I deliberately state,
Rather than on what I subconsciously imply.
There’s no stopping that, of course, but the illusion of control is important.

I would have sent you a letter,
If I had your address,
Or knew where to buy stamps,
And doing so wouldn’t be so bizarre.
So instead, there's this. 

I’ve been dating occasionally.
It’s not terribly enjoyable, since I don’t like people.
I can like a person.
There are several persons whom I enjoy very much.
People, though, are terrible.
I wish them well, but well enough away from me.

We talk, but nothing is said.
There’s a wellspring of near infinite passion within everyone.
Any passion within them, they don’t share with me.
Everything is flat and empty.
Sometimes I equate it to juggling handfuls of pudding.
It’s cold, messy, and I’m not sure what I expected to get out of it.

I feel it important to note that I’m sympathetic.
I’m not an easy person for most people.
To those closest to me, I’m an open book;
Incapable of the slightest subterfuge.
Others can never quite seem to put their fingers on me.
Which is a shame;
I rather like people putting their fingers on me.

No, what I truly dislike is the duplicitousness of the dance.
I’m told that a great time was had,
Through a strained smile beneath hollow eyes.
I agree;
My face mirroring theirs.
Then we proceed to never again speak,
And I feel vaguely unclean.

But you…
You’re a layer of fiery charisma and pop-culture references,
Stretched paper-thin over a skeleton of terror,
And a shameful history with macaroni and cheese.

Just like me.

There was a time when I was frustrated,
Not angry or resentful,
But frustrated that you wouldn’t allow me one proper date to conjure up what I was sure,
In my hubris,
Would have been a glorious connection.

But you said no;
You said it in clear, simple, respectful words.
You were honest and open.
And let me tell you,
Because it’s the point of this letter,
That’s still the best experience I’ve had with dating in a long time.

Thank you. 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Adam Jones vs the Staycation: Part 5

I planned on saying that today was another nothing day where nothing of note occurred. One can't expect to have a life where everyday that passes is worthy of drawing in others and reporting. Then I started wondering if maybe that's exactly what life is and that's the point of it all. If life is indeed a brief flash of light between two eternities of darkness, should we not shout out and proclaim every day of it? But that's not what this is about. 

Last night an old friend got in touch with me out of nowhere just to tell me how great I was. She said "You are made of star dust and amazing."

Today I worked up the courage to do two things that terrified me.

Today I finished the designs I've been struggling with all week.

Today I had beer, then subsequent coffee with an old friend and reminisced about the best times of the worst times. 

I sat down fully convinced that nothing of note had happened since we last spoke.

Wow, I can be such an asshole sometimes.  

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Adam Jones vs the Staycation: Part 4

Caution: The following post contains tasteful old-timey artist renditions of nudity.

I felt a lot better today and got some more design work done today, but again, that wasn't the important part. The important part was that a good friend of mine was off of work today and spent many hours on the phone with me engaging in delightful shenanigans. The best part of which is when we got drunk and over the phone began googling images of 18th century erotica. 

I truly, truly wish I felt comfortable sharing everything I found with you. There was one image of what I can only describe as a man riding a cockstridge, greeting his lady and waving at a cherub flying overhead. Magnificent. However, I will show you the image that had me laughing the hardest It wasn't even erotica. I will explain, but first... the image:

That baby in the water? That baby is fucking done. Whatever bullshit he had just endured in the last several seconds has rendered him unable to even. He just can't anymore. He's like "Dude, I'm out. Just take this fucking fish and go." 

There even seems to be this whole rescue effort as the other cherub flies down to get his, and there's a third one in the bushes as lookout. The angel is even running direct interference, keeping that lady distracted while they save their downed comrade. Not that it matters. That lady can't even be bothered by the fact that she's getting felt up by an angel. Her expression only says to me that she's vaguely wondering what her servants are making for dinner... and that fucking wet baby... 

Just take it and go, man. I'm done.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Adam Jones vs the Staycation: Part 3

I managed to get some good design work done today, and I had dinner with a good friend, but all day I just couldn't shake the feeling of being completely exhausted. 

I'm hoping that this is a result of starting to let go of some of the stress that has been pushing me through the last six months, and that tomorrow will be better. I really don't want to feel like this for the rest of the week. Although I refuse to let it weigh me down, there is a lot I would prefer to get done with this time off, and today's level of exhaustion would simply not allow for it. 



I've been sitting here for a while trying to find a way to cap this off with something funny...

It's not working.

See you tomorrow!

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Adam Jones vs the Staycation: Part 2

I got a few productive things done today. That's not the important part. The important part is that I picked up issue #2 of the Unbeatable Squirrel Girl. 

If you haven't read it, love adorable things, and have an even passing interest in the Marvel universe, I implore you to pick up the first couple of issues. It's not too late. There's no overly complicated sea of lore to swim through to get it.

Squirrel Girl is a third-string superhero who used to work for the Great Lakes Avengers, lived in the Avenger's attic for a while, and now is moving out to college. The title picks up there. Despite having a power set pretty much limited to the relative strength and agility of a squirrel, combined with what I can only refer to as squirrelepathy, she has taken down some A-list baddies in her day.

Issue #2 revolves around her trying to get to the moon to fight Galactus. This duty falls to her as no one else can see his arrival, as Galactus' ship is cloaked - but forgot to shield it against squirrels (who are always sneaking into observatories to watch for trouble). One part of one of her plans is to steal a pile of parts of old Iron Man suits and try to convince them to cover her and her best squirrel friend Tippy-Toe so they can fly to the moon.



Saturday, February 7, 2015

Adam Jones vs the Staycation: Part 1

This morning I awoke from a dream where I was at a drunken con party and I was being hit on by a woman in a 19th century ball gown and sunglasses, who was also a midget. So, you know... I knew it was going to be a pretty bitchin' day.

I decided to start off my staycation with a day of Grand Cleansing. 

I shaved.
I showered.
I did my laundry.
I washed my dishes.
I dusted my surfaces. 
I cleaned my kitchen.
I vacuumed my carpet. 

I even meditated and drank a lot of juice, so it was like a triathlon of cleanliness. 

Then, in an effort to balance out that much productivity, I was compelled to binge-watch Constantine. I have to say, I like the show so far, but I'm getting pretty tired of spending 10 minutes every episode on the following exchange: 

Everyone but Zed: Hey, you should leave for your own safety.

Zed: Nuh uh.

Everyone but Zed: Are you sure? You're very likely to die horrifically.

Zed: Nope. 

Everyone but Zed: Oh, okay... I guess. We'll check back next week.

Zed: I have a mysterious past. 

So yeah, I feel like I'm off to a pretty good start. Feeling better already.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Adam Jones vs the Staycation: Part 0

It's a book!I'm going on vacation!

Not a Sunning by the Beach or Gambling in Vegas kind of vacation, I'm still getting my finances together. Instead, it's more of a My Job is Starting to Make me Cry and I Have Some FDO Saved Up kind of vacation!

I'm looking forward to getting back to my roots with such activities as:

Excessively viewing pornography!

Then I plan to appeal to my higher nature by indulging in such things as:


I have been working diligently on making my life a better place to be and all of next week is going to be a workshop in better living. Part of this project is that I've decided to write a new post for every day next week, including the bracketing weekends!

So, I'll be spending my vacation with all of my favorite people: You!

Whew, I have used, just... SO many exclamation points today. I'm going to need a minute to recover from all this excitement. I'll see you Saturday.