Thursday, March 31, 2011

Gelastic Syncope: The Funny Seizures - Part 1

So I was halfway through a really long post where I talked about a bizarre medical condition that I have when I came to a grim epiphany, then erased it.

It’s one of my favorite stories.  I love telling it.  I realized that it would absolutely break my heart if I were to start telling it to someone to whom I’ve never told it before and they stopped me saying “Oh yeah, I read about that on your blog.  That’s funny.  Let’s talk about something else.”

Then I thought about those of you who I will never meet; those of you who will never know the joy of speaking to me in person, who will never hear the story directly from my lips.

I began to think of the children I hope to one day have, and their children.  One day I’ll be gone from this world, and my descendants will never know about those hilarious seizures I once had.

That’s when I understood that even though there may be moments that pain me, this is a story that must be told and preserved for posterity’s sake alone.  So here it is…


I am prone to Gelastic Syncope, a subtype of Vasovagal Syncope.  According to the paper to which I linked, there have only been five documented cases, so it’s extremely rare. 

When I laugh too hard, I pass out and have seizures.

No lie.

I found this out one day at a CiCi’s Pizza.  I was a teenager then.  I was having lunch with a couple of my best friends, Daniel and Vinnie.   We were having a debate as to which would be better for population control, condoms or cannibalism.  Daniel and I were on the side of cannibalism.  The debate lasted for an hour.  It ended with three lines, we each had one.

I said “The government is not going to hire the homeless to watch people have sex.”

Vinnie said “Well, why not?”

Then Daniel said “Because people will kill ‘em and eat ‘em!”

As funny as that might be to you right now, if you had heard the entire conversation leading up to that, it would be a lot funnier.  In fact, at that point in my life it was the funniest thing I had ever heard.  I laughed and laughed.  Things started getting fuzzy, and appearing as they were much further away.  I felt faint.

The next thing I know I was waking up on the floor.  My mother was sitting at the table across from us.  She told me to stop making such a scene.  I had no idea what was going on.  There was a carpet burn on my forehead from where I had been seizing on the ground.  Do you know how difficult it is to explain away a carpet burn on your forehead?  Very.  The answer to that is very.

It took a few times to figure out what was happening.  The funniest, and most dangerous one was when I was driving a friend to work. (That's the teaser for part 2)

Monday, March 28, 2011

Inappropriate Haiku #5 [Updated]

Okay.  We're back to our regularly scheduled posts.

You guys are lucky.  I very nearly finished out last week with a treatise on Rebecca Black.  But I didn't.  Because I love you.

You're welcome.

It was going to be good, though.

Oh!  A couple of pieces of Amazing News!

Remember how pissed I was that no one in Africa had read my blog?  Well last week some brave soul in Ghana fixed all that.  Finally, Africa seems to be taking a step in the right direction.  Now they just have to deal with all the war, starvation, cannibalism, aids, and tigers*.  But you know, one step at a time.  For the time being I can rest easily knowing that someone on every continent has seen my face and read my words.  Awesome.


Last week we hit 4,000 page views!  You know what that means.  For every milestone you get an inappropriate haiku.  This is the last of the ones that I wrote seven years ago, so after this, brand spanking new feelings of awkwardness... seventeen syllables at a time.

Inappropriate Haiku #5

The look of surprise
The instant satisfaction
Love to donkey punch

*I'm not saying that their problem is that they have too many tigers.  They have none.  That's a problem.  There should be herds of wild tigers running through Africa.

Holy crap!  Don't worry about how or why I came across this, but I just found out that the average penis length in Ghana is 6.6in.  Dude.  Rock on.  Here in The States we've only got a 5.1.

Melissa - It looks like you've got around 5.5in in your neck of the world... or 14cm.  I don't know what you people use.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Let's Pretend It's Last Week: Part 4

Thursday, March 17th:

And so it’s Saint Patrick’s day, and I feel compelled to post about it.  I’d like to enrich you by filling you in on the origins of this blessed holiday, but I have no idea what they are; so I’ll make it up:

A long time ago, somewhere in Ireland, there was a man named Patrick.  He was generally a good sort of fellow.  If you were to ask anyone who knew him they would say “Oh, Patrick?  He’s a good man.”  And it was true.

One night Patrick was down at the local pub, enjoying a pint.  A stranger walked into the pub and Patrick made his way to introduce himself, as he was social and friendly.  The stranger was short in both stature and temper, but Patrick was able to soothe him with his charm and gift of gab.

Though they became fast friends, at the end of the evening they came upon a disagreement.  According to Patrick, a potato was best used for a Shepard’s Pie.  The stranger insisted that Colcannon was the superior potato meal.  This caused quite a stir between them, and soon a challenge was issued.  Whoever could win two out of three challenges would win the day.

The first would test their dexterity.  The stranger pulled out two gold coins and challenged Patrick to what would be the first game of quarters.  Patrick would have lost outright, but he was able to win by distracting the stranger with a few well-placed and clever limericks. 

The second would test their guile.  They picked the loveliest lass in the bar and lavished sweet, seductive words.  Then it turns out she was way too young, and neither of them wanted to be a creeper, so they called it a draw.

The third was a test of fortitude.  The stranger had a barrel of porter brought to the table.  Poor Patrick was already quite drunk after his game of Golden Quarters.  He knew he could not win, but refused to give up.  He sat down with the man and quaffed mug after mug of the stout.  He was expecting to awake in the alley in the morning, but he never passed out.  The stranger grew more and more inebriated, but Patrick kept his wits.  By the end of the barrel, the stranger was thoroughly pissed, but Patrick was overall in control of himself.

Infuriated, the stranger dropped his glamour and revealed himself to be a leprechaun, which made the coin thing way more impressive, and the seduction thing way more creepy.  He then began shouting about lucky charms, and rue-ing the day, and generally being a sore loser.  Patrick picked him up and tried to shake some sense into him, but shook gold coins from him instead.  Seeing that the wee man was not going to shut up, he tossed him bodily from the pub, and collected the gold coins.

The fact that he beat a leprechaun at a coin toss, and didn’t get drunk on a barrel of ale immediately qualified as the two miracles needed for sainthood.  But someone remembered that in The Saint, Val Kilmer needed three miracles to become a saint, and they couldn’t remember which was right.  So just to be safe, they decided that since he was Irish, and didn’t immediately spend his gold on whiskey, potatoes, and whores, then that makes a third miracle.  So he totally was a saint.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Let's Pretend It's Last Week: Part 3

Wednesday, March 16th:

Miss Kagashi finally announced the winner of the first ever Great Language Learning Challenge!  I'll save you the suspense. 

It was me.

That's right.  After recruiting a 6'3" woman, a panda, and the prettiest boy I've ever known, I managed to beat out all the other (three) contestants.  Okay, I may have gone a bit overboard.  But you know what?  I really wanted that hat.

I promised that I'd write a custom haiku for the winner.  So here is the custom haiku I wrote for me:

Victory Haiku

Challenge accepted
 I will rise above all else
No force can stop me

Miss Kagashi:  Red and gray.  Those seem like fine colors for my new hat.  Also, I promised you a haiku of your choice, no matter who won, as thanks for holding the contest.  What would you like it to be about?  Also, I'm going to need a physical address to which to send it.

P.S. - I'm declaring today Hat Victory Day.  I would have just made it Hat Day, but it didn't convey the victory, and there already was one.  So enjoy your new holiday.  I know I will.

P.P.S. - Don't worry.  Don't even worry.  I will be posting plenty of pictures of me with that hat when I get it.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Let's Pretend It's Last Week: Part 2

And so it's the Ides of March.  Other than the seriously negative experiences of Julius Caesar, not much is attributed to this day... by most people.  For me, there is more.

It was on this day last year that I made my best attempt to quit smoking.  It's still going on, more or less.  Once upon a time I was a pack-a-day smoker, and had been for quite some time.  I made several attempts to quite over the years, and several of those went quite well.  In fact, it's been a few years since I was a pack-a-day smoker.

But I've never been able to cut it out completely.  Last year I decided that I was going to try a different route.  I was going to stop smoking regularly, but if I needed to break, I was going to let myself.  The point was to not be smoking regularly anymore.  Overall, I consider this past year a success in that regard.  I'd have to say that I've probably smoked a total of six packs over the last year.  I'd say a pack-every-two-months smoker is better than a pack-a-day one any day.

Except for this last week.

It's interesting to me how all my bad habits seem to feed off each other.  When I'm not doing any of them, it's easy to keep not doing them.  However, when I start slipping with one, it makes it harder to stay firm with the others.  You miss a couple of workouts, you eat some foods that you probably shouldn't have... definitely shouldn't have, maybe drink a little too much, smoke a little too much... and all of a sudden it seems like all the progress you've made has slipped back a year.

I'm trying not to make it a big deal.  It happens, and all I have to do is just stop it.  It's as easy as just making the decision to do so.

But habits... addictions... they make it hard to remember how easy it is to just stop.  They weasel into your head and make you feel weak, whispering their lies.

Luckily I'm way too bad-ass to give into that kind of bullshit.  So back to the treadmill I go, hand me an apple, keep your smokes.

I got shit to do.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Let's Pretend It's Last Week: Part 1

Last week was pretty bad for me, personally and professionally.  I tend to withdraw when I'm not in a good place, which apparently also translates to my blog.  That's a shame because there were other things I wanted to talk about last week.  So, let's all look through the crystal ball at what might have been and pretend it's last week.

Monday, March 14th:

And so it's Pi day.  It's a beautiful day were we celebrate pastries and mathematics; two perfect things that have nothing to do with each other but our ubiquitous love of puns.

Everyone loves pies.  However, I feel that I have a greater love of them than most.  I love all sorts of pies.
Quiche - The breakfast pie
Shepherd's - The dinner pie
Cheesecake - The sweet cheese pie

My favorite?  Pumpkin

I've been making pies since I was a kid.  My most proud accomplishment?

The Bucket of Pie

It was a full meal pie.  It was served with a spade.
Top Layer - Pulled Pork BBQ
Second Layer - Corn mixed with Mashed Potato
Third Layer - Biscuit
Bottom Layer - Sweet Potato Pie

This leaves us to discuss Pi.  Honestly, I don't have much to say about it.  It's nice, and it sounds like pie.
I found this wonderful video that explores the musical nature of Pi.  It's simply beautiful.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I Was Meant to be a Koala

Remember when I had some people visiting from out of town?  No, I wouldn't expect you to.  Anyway, one of them left their Noxzema Face Wash in my shower.  For the last couple of weeks I've been briefly noticing it while showering, thinking that I should probably do something with it, then promptly forgetting about it the moment I dried off.

However, this morning I was noticing that my face seemed particularly oily and dirty, so I thought, "What the hell.  The rightful owner of this Noxzema Face Wash is never getting this back.  I'm sure they wouldn't mind if I cleared up my oily skin."  Now my face smells like eucalyptus.

And I couldn't be happier.

I had forgotten about it in the oh so several years since I've been a  teenager, but I love this shit.  It is intoxicating.  Now I just wanna eat bushels of eucalyptus leaves straight from the tree.  This is where being a koala would come in handy, because I'm pretty sure that shit is toxic to everything but koalas.  Also, I would then be one of the cutest things ever.  And viscous.  With their claws.  Of course, I'd be a mean son of a bitch too if I were two feet tall, had giant claws, and was high on eucalyptus all the time.

I'd be a Drop Bear.

Now I'm going to go out and buy some Halls Mentho-lyptus cough drops.  Because I miss smoking, and it'll make me feel like a bad-ass koala, smoking his hand rolled menthols, occasionally munching on some poison leaves.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Pork Sandwich

I was once speaking with my dear friend Kendra.  We we talking about the best pets we ever had.  She told me about a wonderful, amazing dog she once had named Pork Sandwich.  I asked "You named your dog Pork Sandwich?"  She replied "Hell no.  He named himself Pork Sandwich."

Apparently her mother had named him Toby, but one day Kendra was in the kitchen and shouted, asking if someone wanted a pork sandwich.  Toby ran into the kitchen.  She thought that perhaps he just wanted some pork, but he wouldn't eat any.  Wondering we he came to the kitchen, she went to another room and once again shouted pork sandwich.  He trotted up attentively.  From that day on he only responded to the name Pork Sandwich.

This frustrated her mother, as Pork Sandwich was a silly name for a dog, and she had already named him.  She tried to retrain the dog to respond to his given name, Toby.  He refused.

All I could imagine was her mother cracking the whip, shouting "Your name is Toby!  It's a good name.  What's your name?"
Pork Sandwich, as played by a pained, exhausted LeVar Burton, doggedly replying "Pork.  Pork Sandwich."


Huh.  That was a lot funnier in the moment.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

My Great Language Learning Challenge: Japanese

So, last month the author of Multiculturalism for Steampunk issued a challenge.  She asked everyone to learn a bit of a new language throughout February, then post a video following a particular guideline displaying what they learned.  The person who posted the most entertaining video would get a hat.

I want that hat.

So here is my video:

I prefer my hat in grays and reds if at all possible.  Thank you.  You're welcome.

P.S. - I had originally offered the role of Giggle Panda to Jenny the Bloggess, but she felt that she was not giggly enough for the part.  I'm pretty sure she's kicking herself about now.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Adam Jones Speaks - Ayo Technology

Okay, so hell of a reader appreciation week.  I missed Wednesday all together, and my pet project for today is delayed due to casting issues.

However, I feel that it's important to note that the reason I'm so late is because Comcast just refused to give me internet at my new place.  I have been internetless. Like a caveman.

A damned cave man.

They left me on hold for forty minutes.  I seriously had time to get dressed, eat, then run a couple of errands in the time I was on hold.  Then the call dropped.

The call.  Dropped.

So I'm not too happy with AT&T right now either.  So, to cut a long story not as long as it could have been:  I now have internet, and my new Comcast user name may or may not be some variation of

I have been able to record and upload Amber Lee's requested "song":


Podcast Powered By Podbean

You're welcome.  It was my pleasure.  No hard feelings.

I had several friends from out of town that needed to crash at my brand new apartment earlier in the week.  I'd like to apologize for not having nicer accommodations, but I had just moved in that very day and was deliriously tired.  However, to whomever drew the smiley person into my zen garden,

Thank you.

That made my day.

P.S. - To those I promised an answer to the panda question, that will hopefully come tomorrow.  I still have one more scene to shoot.  Can no project ever be finished on schedule?

P.P.S. - Happy birthday Melissa!