Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I Have Found Their Homeland

Quick note:

So, I think I found out where Barbarians come from...

Across the street from my apartment.

Which prompted me to do a search, which lead me to...

Conan the Barber.

That is all.  You may now return to waiting for my next post.  Thank you.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Adventures in Steampunk

So last week I told the story of how I got to and from the World Steam Expo.  I feel that I should also mention one or two of the things that happened while we were there... like I promised.

First of all, there were two other events happening that weekend in the hotel.  One was a family reunion, and the other was a bowling convention.  So while you imagine the events, also imagine a very large confused black family, and scores of people in bowling shirts meandering around.  In fact, someone at the hotel was very tongue in cheek about the situation, as the following sign was found:


We were exhausted when we got there, but had to soldier on.  There were panels to do.  But I was lucky enough to see Miss Kagashi, one of my favorite bloggers.  And Dear Readers, I have the best of news.  Bitch had my hat!  Remember when I won a hat because I filmed a fake Japanese game show?  Well I did.  Sadly, due to perfectly understandable, yet unfortunate circumstances, I have not been able to receive said hat.  But she had it with her!

Behold the glory!

Is it not beautiful?  It is.  It's beautiful.  I bet you wish you had won the hat.  I don't blame you.  If circumstances permit, you are more than welcome to have your picture taken in the hat.

Finally, that same night there was a masquerade ball to get ready for... but I was too tired.  I just couldn't bring myself to put on any more uncomfortable clothes and pretend to be dapper.  So I did what any sane man would under the circumstances.  I added goggles and a cravat to my pajamas, and went to the masquerade as a Steampunk Panda.  And believe you me, you've never partied until you've Panda Partied.

A most of group shot.

I cut rugs with my mad skills.

Post-dance snack in the green room.

Also, I was just informed that there's a picture of The Panda playing cards in this article.

It wasn't all about the con.  Half the reason I went on this trip was to see my sister and her family.  I managed to grab lunch with her and spent some time with my niece at the park.

Is she not crazy adorable?

Overall the experience was a lot of fun, and completely exhausting.  I'm glad I went, and I plan on going back as many times as I can.  I always meet the most interesting people there.  This year I made friends with The Clockwork Dolls.  The Asian one made me tea.  Also, their music is good.

P.S. - And Duncan found a dog.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Inappropriate Haiku #6

Thank you all for your continuing support and love.  You guys are amazing.  You constantly feed my desire for praise and the flesh of the living... though the latter might explain my occasional drop in followers... anyway...

You have reached several new milestones.  There are over 50 of you following me on Twitter.  More than 100 of you have liked my Facebook page.  You have helped me gain Over 9,000 page views!  That's a very special number on the internet.  As is the custom, you will be rewarded with a haiku.  Due to the nature of this particular achievement, I will be making this an internet themed haiku, with all due links.  Please enjoy,
and in lieu of that, tolerate.

Inappropriate Haiku #6

This haiku has been brought to you by: The Internet

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Road to Dearborn

So four weeks ago I set out for the World Steam Expo in Dearborn Michigan.  I was to travel with my dear Kaiju-Senpai.  I feared the worst.  I feared… a Grand Adventure.

I didn’t want a Grand Adventure.  Those things are expensive and exhausting.  I wanted a nice quiet road trip.  We were going to pick up a nice girl named Brittani along the way.  Well, she seemed nice, I didn’t really know her.

The beginnings were ominous.  There was heavy rain and the foul stench of imminent circumstance in the air.  We packed as best we could, took a deep breath, and begun our journey.  The rain eased up and by the time we reached the edge of the city it had stopped completely.  It was a pleasing sign.

We were going slowly in the slow lane, just to be safe.  The roads are still slick for a while after that kind of rain.  I had to move over one lane to the left, though.  Directly up ahead was a cop car with his lights on.  It seems that there was already a wreck up ahead and they had just cleared the cars off to the side.

It was at that point a speeding van approached in the slow lane and decided at the last minute that he didn’t want to rear-end the cop, so he darted left… into my lane… where I still was.

So once again I found myself in a car that was spinning in circles around the interstate.

My car came to a stop only several feet from the people standing around from the previous accident.  Everyone was okay, though.  The right-back quarter of my car was pretty much shattered.  Funny enough, it drove just fine.

We went to the nearest Wal-Mart and bought some duct tape, blue to match my car, and taped the bumper back on to keep it from catching wind as we drove.  Then we promptly manned-up and continued our journey.

Busted Car
My poor baby.

We picked up Brittani and left my wheel well at her house.  We needed the room.  This is when I find out that Brittani, who I had only seen being quiet and sweet, was a foul-mouthed harpy of a woman.  So I spent the rest of the trip crammed between Godzilla and Baba Yaga.

We managed to make it all the way to Toledo before I got a flat tire.

Luckily there was a tire place two miles from where we were.  Baba was nice enough to find it for me and call them up while I was putting the donut on.  Since we were stopped anyway, I thought that this would be the ideal time to visit Last Chance Waffle House.  It is the last Waffle House on the way to Michigan.  I’d been wanting to go there, and it was just like I imagined: Like any other Waffle House.  That’s okay,  though.  That’s exactly what I wanted. It was the most delicious coffee I’d had in months.

The way back was much better.

Except that Baba Yaga needed to stop at a 7-Eleven to fulfill some sort of sentimental ritual, and then we stopped at a diner... which didn’t have anything I ordered.  So we were an hour late before we even started.

Kaiju-Senpai insisted on buying a book on CD for the ride home, so we stopped by a truck stop and took a look.  They looked through the fairly large selection and both independently picked the same book.  Apparently they were fascinated with The Rape Fairy.  They needed to hear about magical raping ways.  I really, really wish I were kidding.

Rape Fairy
I'll never understand women.

Instead we got a story that began “Prince Rupert rode his Unicorn through the Darkwood.”  I nearly died from ironic joy.

Somewhere along the line we had dubbed ourselves the Three Amigos of Disaster, so when it became dinner time, we couldn’t pass up this place.

Three Amigos
It seemed thematically appropriate.

Harpies at Rest
And the harpies were sated.

Then we made it home safe.  The End.

P.S. - If you’d like to hear about what actually happened at the World Steam Expo, tune in Monday.  You’ll be glad you did.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

International Relations

So today I'm at work, minding my own business, and heard an alert on my phone.  I looked and found that there was a message telling me that someone named Joe Fonda had sent me a friend request on Skype.  There was a very small profile picture of a brown-skinned person (maybe Asian, maybe Hispanic, it was hard to tell with so small a photo) sitting in a pick-up truck with a trucker hat, smiling at the camera.  I didn't know any such person, but decided to accept the invite nonetheless.

Almost immediately thereafter I got a message from Joe saying that I was familiar from LinkedIn.  I admitted that I didn't even know what that was, and Joe apologized, having thought I was someone else.  It seems Joe Fonda was looking for someone to practice English with due to an upcoming interview with HAUSCR.  After finding out that my new friend was in Shanghai, I could not resist an interesting story.  So I did what any reasonable adventure lover such as myself would do: I took my lunch break and spent the next hour on the phone with what ended up being an adorable Chinese girl.

We talked about things we like, our hobbies, and I even asked her some questions she might hear in an interview setting.  She asked my opinion on the Arnold Schwarzenegger controversy.  Apparently in China he's called Schwartzingu.  She's a sophomore in college and she's studying accounting on recommendation from her family, but she really wants to be a director.  Adorable.

Joe picked her name because the first part of her name started with a "Jo" sound, but didn't know it was a guy's name.  I explained that it can be a girl's name, but it can be misleading.  In fact, my mother's name is Josephine and often went by Jo when she was younger... so I just suggested to Ms. Fonda that she drop the "e."

All in all it was a fascinating and enjoyable experience.  It's not everyday you get a random phone call from the other side of the world.  I hope to hear from her again.

P.S. - Oh, and she says the sweetest things about this blog.  ^^

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Past Glory

Recently a friend of mine posted a picture of our 8th grade field trip to Washington DC.  It was a picture of the Supreme Court building and in the corner crept a 13 year old Adam Jones.

I have cropped the picture for emphasis.

God, how magnificent I was, even then.

Back to School

So getting caught up in all of my blogs and other online endeavors has been difficult.  This has been made even more so by a recent addition to my work load.  Now not only am I working technical support for a Family-Oriented Specialty Ham Company, writing a blog, running a table-top RPG, forging a relationship, stalking an MMO, learning a language, and practicing life sketches of nude midgets, but now I am also going to school.

It's been a good solid decade since I've tried this, and previous attempts have ended miserably.  I believe part of this has been because I lacked a clear end goal, which made the point of my effort vague and ineffable.  This time around things are clear.  I'm getting a Journalism degree with a minor in Creative Writing.  With this degree, I will be able to legitimately chase many jobs that I would enjoy.  I'm pretty excited.

However, getting back into school and starting classes has been a hugely complicated and exhausting endeavor.

So raise a glass to frat parties, all-nighters, ogling school girls, and all the other awesome things I'm too tired to do anymore.

Anybody out there get a late start in higher education?  Trying to get back?  What for?

P.S. - I'm convinced that since I'm only taking online classes, my teacher looks like this:

Saturday, June 11, 2011

James and Adam: Climb a Mountain

Well, it's been one week since I've engaged in the Hot for Con challenge.  I've improved my diet, exercised daily, and gotten plenty of rest.  The results?

Down 3.5 lbs.

It's a good start.  I'm sure that my progress will slow as my body gets used to what's going on, but I'm encouraged nonetheless.

However, being a creature of momentum, I wanted an extra boost to keep me going.  To that end I met up with Stiver himself to create this masterpiece.  Enjoy.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

A Difficult Day for a Friend

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been taking Japanese lessons from my favorite monster. That is, I was, up until a month ago.

She gave me a call to let me know that she was on her way home and that I should meet her there. There were police everywhere when I pulled up to her house about thirty minutes later. It looked like they were centered on her neighbor’s house, so I wasn’t too worried. As I walked to the door I saw a policeman go through first. I stopped at the open doorway. There were several police officers walking around inside and I didn’t want to burst in unannounced.

I looked down and saw a pool of blood on the ground.

My heart froze. I wasn’t sure what it was at first. I’ve done a lot of work at haunted houses. It almost seemed fake. It was too red and there was too much of it.

One of her roommates beckoned me in. I walked in and saw her other roommate passing by unscathed, leaving only Barrie unaccounted for. I saw her as I turned the corner, sitting at the counter, clutching an Ice pack to her face. My whole being let loose a sigh of relief. She was injured, but she was alive. Judging by the lack of frenzy, she was expected to stay that way for a while.

She had gotten home not long after she called me. As she was getting her keys to unlock her door, she heard a gun cock behind her. The guy hit her twice in the face with the butt of his gun and ran off with her purse.

It was the middle of a sunny day, in the middle of the neighborhood. Also, as a reminder, Barrie’s 6’3” tall. The stones on that man.

She knelt bleeding by the door for some time after the guy ran off. That’s where to pool came from.

We waited for the police to finish and took her to Grady, a nearby hospital with a reputation for an exemplary emergency room. It would have to with all of the violent crime in the area. Roaming the halls of the ICU was like being in a well-lit torture chamber. The moans of the grievously injured mixed with the smells of urine and bleach to create a sense of abject unease.

She waited in her waiting room for hours and she was never seen. Eventually her mother took her to a different hospital.

I should explain, though, that I don’t just call Barrie a monster because she is freakishly tall. She is also freakishly tough. Her skull was fractured, but not nearly as bad as it would have been if she was a normal human. She is also inordinately strong. Not only can she lift her blue ox above her head, she never let this ordeal slow her down too much, even left untreated in a hospital.

Thatta girl.

One month later and she’s almost completely healed… and we’re starting our lessons back this week.

Love you, Kaiju-senpai!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Hot for Con

Offical Hot for Con Challenger
During my time away from The Blogosphere, life went on.  The bloggers blogged, the trolls trolled, and the lurkers lurked.  Also, Stiver started tearing up his blog with new entries.  He had only been tending to his blog a couple of times a month, and then BAM!  He became a man on a mission.

He has decided that he wants to lose his extra weight, and he wants to do it by this year's Dragon*Con.  Now, with 90 days left on the clock, he has issued a challenge to his readers take up this crusade for themselves.  This need not be in the form of weight loss, but maybe getting tone, or even bulking up; whatever "getting hot" means to the participant.

I promptly ignored him.

Then my health class informed me that we are doing a project based on changing our behavior in a document-able, healthy way... such as a fitness routine... so I said "Fine, universe!  Have it your way!  I'll start working out."

It's not a totally new thing.  About a year ago I started myself on a gung-ho plan and lost 40lbs.  A few months ago I lost steam, momentum, and will power.  Since then I've gained 6lbs back.  I don't care for that, and I'm using this as an excuse to get back on track.

Name: Adam Jones
Goal: I aim to lose 2lbs a week for the next 13 weeks.
Current Weight: 266lbs.
Goal Weight: 240lbs.

Sure, that's still pretty big, but it'll be a hell of a lot smaller.  Every step counts, and yesterday was my first.

This is my before picture.
With the power of Two Moon Panther behind me,
I cannot fail.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go climb a mountain.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Time Crisis '11

Holy crap!  Where did May go?  Well, to read my blog you'd think that all that happened was that I went on a date.  The fact is that last month was one of the busiest, most stressful and confusing months that I've had in a long time.  I will be sure to tell you all about it in the coming days. 

Ideally I would have been blogging about all of these things when they happened.  That would have been responsible of me as a blogger.  I can only offer three excuses:

1. I was so busy that it didn't feel like I had any time, and was so stressed out that everything I tried to write came out wrong.  Not the funny kind of wrong on which I thrive, but the bad-wrong... or badong kind.

2. I got caught in one of them shame spirals in which the longer I waited to post made me more self-conscious about posting, which made me more afraid to post, which made me wait longer to post.  People are dumb, and apparently I'm no exception.

3. I am only human.  Although I've been blogging since November, and sometimes that feels like a long time, this is still a very new blog, and I am still a very new blogger.  I am going to make mistakes.  However, I tend to learn from them, and hopefully my future errors will not make us part for nearly an entire month.  I don't think I can deal with that again, and I suspect that you couldn't either.

In short, I've been experiencing my very own Time Crisis, which I feel like I have finally started getting a grips on... and even if I haven't, I'm going to keep blogging anyway.  We have much to discuss.

So, uh... what have you guys been up to?