Thursday, September 29, 2011

Oh, Depression...

Fun Fact: Camels rape each other a lot.  Did you know that?  They do.

So it's been a few weeks since I've posted.  I haven't had a good track record recently.  I have this thought that this blog is what will teach me how to better communicate with an audience.  I have aspirations of being a writer and one day building a fan base and this blog is like a practice go.  I don't mean to convey the idea that I don't care about you all, or that I don't take this seriously.  It's just that I need a safe place to build myself up and see what works.  I need to find a way to tackle major issues before they can become crippling to any sort of future career, and I think I've come across the biggest so far.


I've noticed that when I go A.W.O.L. for the longest is when I've gone through my toughest bouts.  I have an important step to make.

1. All of my life I've been struggling with depression.
2. I've chosen a profession in writing.
3. Depression keeps me from writing.

I need to find a way around this.  When I sat down to write this I intended to write an elegant insight into what it's like to experience depression.  I find that I cannot find the words.  When I try it comes across as whiny or preachy.  I find that I'm rather prone to melodrama.  Ideally I'd like this blog to be humorous with a touch of real human experience.  I don't want it to be an online journal detailing the trivialities of day-to-day life, or a soap box for me to whine about whatever is bothering me.  Still, I feel the need to touch on it at least briefly.

Depression isn't simply getting hung up on a problem or a lack of ability to "get over it."  It's a real, physical thing.  It comes and goes and when it comes, everything hurts.  Simple tasks become exhausting and problems seem insurmountable.  Hope feels like a lie and everything you do is wrong.  You get so tired and overwhelmed that you can barely see the point of going on.  The world seems so dark, and it's so easy to let it collapse around you.

Over the past couple of years I've learned to distinguish what are my real thoughts and what are the depression's thoughts.  I've gotten much better at not acting on the ideas born of depression.  The biggest problem as it relates to this blog is that it also stifles creativity, at least it does for me.  I find it hard to be witty an irreverent when all I want to do is hide, cry, and sleep... often in that order.

I haven't found the answer yet.  I'll probably keep looking all my life, but in the meantime I've found a few things that help.

1. I keep a pill fob clipped to my belt loop at all times.  Like here for instance.  Inside it I keep little scraps of paper.  Written on them are the secrets of happiness that I sometimes stumble across.  When things get bad I look through them and try to remember what I'm doing.

2. I sit down and reacquaint myself with the people and things that inspire and encourage me, like:

3. I talk to my friends.  I don't always know how to say what I'm feeling, and they don't always know what to say, but it means the world to me to know that they care enough to try.

So, I can't guarantee that it won't happen again, but I want you to know I'm trying... and that you guys are never far from my thoughts.

Are there things about yourself that you find yourself struggling with that keep you from what you want to do?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Double Panda All the Way

My birthday was Sunday, I was at Dragon*Con, and I was drunk as all hell.  I considered getting some sleep, but a crowd of complete strangers burst into my room and sang unto me the happy birthday song while I was in naught but my Spider-Man boxers.  They were thirsting for adventure and there was still two hours left of the steam-punk ball.  Naturally I dressed as a steam-punk panda.  That is to say, goggles, a cravat, and my panda jammies.  While there, I boogied, mingled, and ran into a girl panda.  We posed heroically for the camera.  Sadly, I was too drunk to remember to offer her one of my cards.  Perhaps one day she'll stumble across the site and give me permission to use this photo of her:
The Bloggess would be proud.