M is for Mareta

From time to time I mention several people that I know in my personal life.  However, I only do so when it involves a particular story that has sprung to mind.  I try not to do so too often, because I know you don't know them, and this blog is about me, not them.  If I spent all of my time talking about other people's lives, you should just skip the middle man and read their blogs directly.  You don't need full biographies of everyone I know.  Recently several of my friends have complained that I haven't mentioned them.  I told them to suck it up.

Today I had a marvelous post about meatloaf, and was ready to share a few of my favorite, original recipes.  I love meatloaf.  Last night my roommate was having a birthday party and my BFF Mareta was there.  She asked me what I had planned for today.  I told her meatloaf.  I was pretty excited.  She looked at me with her pouty eyes and said "But... M is for Mareta."  I long ago developed an immunity to her pouty eyes as a self preservation mechanism, so I firmly informed her that today M was for Meatloaf.

You can see how that worked out.

I was 11 years old when I met her.  It took me two more years to get her to talk to me.  We've been best friends ever since.

I've been talking a lot lately about how important things are to me, and that I wouldn't be the same blah, blah, blah... I'm tired of all this emotion and gratitude.  A person can only take so much.  So you know what?  You want a post about you?  This is what you get.

Mareta is the most stubborn person I've ever known in my life.  She's like a belligerent mule.  Trying to change her mind is as useless as ears on a woman*.  I just have to write the solution down on a piece of paper, date it, put it in an envelope, and wait.  When she finally resolves the issue I can open the envelope, show her that I came up with that answer a year and a half ago, and she'll always say the same thing. "I know you were right, you always are, but I had to come to that conclusion myself."

She has zero human empathy.  The fact is that I believe she is an extremely high functioning sociopath.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  In fact, no one ever notices, and very few people believe me when I tell them.  That charisma?  Learned response.  She does not understand your human emotions, but has learned what responses are expected of her in a given circumstance.

I don't think that she has ever weighed more than 110lbs/50kg, and she eats nothing but cookies and potatoes.  Yeah, I kinda hate her, too.

She is more of a man than I will ever be.  She can work a forge.  An effin' forge. She bends iron to her will.  She makes her husband to the cooking.  I feel for him sometimes.  He's got a bit of a romantic soul, and she's a very Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma'am, sorta lady.

She has this look that clearly states: Whatever it is that you just did was not only the stupidest thing she has ever encountered, but also that she isn't at all surprised that it came from you.

She talks about people in her life that you've never heard of like you're supposed to know who they are.

There is no one else on this Earth that has caused me as much confusion, frustration, anger, and pain as this woman.

But I guess she has some positive traits, too.  Like she occasionally makes me feel tough by perching on my shoulder.

 

Nobody's perfect.  What do you dislike about your best friend?


*It's not like they listen, anyway.

L is for Larping

Please excuse me,
I have some being cool to do.

I larp.  It's a thing I do.  Live Action Role Play.  In short: I dress like a fruitcake for a weekend and sleep in the woods with 60-100 others and occasionally beat the crap out of one another with foam covered swords.  Also, we throw birdseed around and call it magic.  And you know what?

It's totally bad-ass.

I don't go around talking about it to people.  It's not because I'm ashamed of it, it's just that I don't feel I can accurately represent it in a casual conversation.  A lot of people have a lot of misconceptions about it, and I don't want to add to it.  So let me take this opportunity to break down some of the reasons that this is such a great hobby.

People - Most of the most interesting people that I have ever met, I have met through larping.  One of my best friends I met at my very first event back on the 4th of July weekend, 1996.  These games cater to some of the most creative, charismatic, and socially stunted people that exist.  In other words, the best.

Socialization - This may not seem very different from the people one, but it is.  That was about the quality of the individuals.  This is about learning how to interact with others in a brand new way.  Especially as an awkward teen, this gave me invaluable experience.  You have the freedom to design from scratch the kind of person you want to be.  Then you get to see how a person like that gets along.  It lets you practice being in types of situation that you'd rarely (if ever) end up in in real life.  Sure, you're not likely to save a farmer from a band of Orcs in your day to day.  However, the lessons learned there apply to a surprising number of real world applications.

Problem Solving Skills - So there's two fighters, a mage, a rogue, and healer.  How are you going to get passed those two minotaurs so we can get to the lich.  Wait, why are minotaurs working for a lich, anyway?  Hey, was there anything in that riddle about that one kingdom?  Didn't their guardian get exiled for necromancy?  Wasn't he a minotaur?  Do you think this is that guy?  Wait... are those traps?  [BOOM] 
No matter what kind of character you play, critical thinking becomes a big part of any game.  Learning to look at a complex situation and pick it apart will aid you in any path of life, and larps are a great way to get some out-of-the-box thinking done.

Exercise - This stuff is tough.  If you want to, you can usually just hang out, bum around, and socialize.  I've done plenty of that.  But you can also go out there and bust your ass.  The fights out there can be intense.  A larger fight can go from 15min to an hour.  There may be times where you have to square off one on one, or it could be thirty of you versus thirty of them.  Constantly moving, watching your back, swinging your sword, blocking, dodging... it gets pretty real out there sometimes.

Feeling Like a Bad-Ass - I collect stories.  Ones that happen to me.  I live my life in a way that entertaining things tend to find me more often than not.  Mind you, they're not always good for me, but they're usually good for a story.  This hobby has lead to half of my greatest stories.  It's not just me.  Everyone who plays ends up with fantastic tales of when they or their friends did something truly epic.

That Frito Pie is Legendary.

What are some of your favorite hobbies?  Have they given you great tales?

K is for Kagashi

I have a special relationship with Miss Kagashi.  It's one that's very much based on me getting things from her.

The number one thing is a hat.  Now, I haven't actually gotten this hat yet, but it's been confirmed from a reliable source that it not only exists, but is also bad-ass.

The number two thing is scones.  This bitch can make some scones.  She puts this kind of berry in them that I've never heard of and I think only grows in Michigan, around the lake, in July, under a full moon.  Anyway, these Mystery Berry Scones are fucking delish'.

The number three thing is a face full of awesome.  She's the kind of chick that when you meet her you're like "Oh, you're pretty, I bet you're a bitch."  Then you're like "Oh, you're nice too, I bet you're a hack."  And then you're like "Oh, and you're crazy talented... fuck you, then."

She is one of the only other people I know who is really trying to do something with her blog, and she's great at it.  Her writing is informative and entertaining.  She also, as of this writing, has exactly 30 times more likes on her Facebook page than mine.  I want to be jealous, but it's just not a fair comparison.  It's like comparing apples and dildos.

So I wish her great continued success.

What kind of blogs do you admire, and why?


P.S. - She also needs to send me her address so I can send her this haiku I wrote her.

P.P.S. - The picture above is the first result I got from doing a Google image search for Miss Kagashi.  The 23rd is posted below.

He is actually changing her diaper. Yeah, weird.

J is for Japan

Click this text for greatest trailer ever.

For as long as I can remember, I have had a deep fascination with Japan.  When I go over a list of the best things ever, a surprising number of answers come from that one beautiful, fucked-up island nation.  In no particular order:

Samurai
Ninja
Geisha
Haiku
Sushi
Tentacle Porn
Giant robots that are also cities, that are also spaceships
Pantie Vending Machines
This Girl

It's no surprise to me that when it came time to learn a language, I picked theirs. It's not just because of their bad-ass history, or their super entertaining media, it's their people.  Every Japanese person I've ever taken the time to get to know has been crazy friendly and polite.  I'm talking Canadian friendly.  So why didn't I just learn Canadian?  Because I already speak English, and the Canadians who speak French are complete assholes.  That's why they're stuck in Quebec, true Canadians are the only ones that won't slaughter them.  Anyone else on Earth would have killed them out of a sense of social responsibility.  Anyway, this isn't about them, this is about the beautiful Japanese.

They had their earthquake, and I couldn't bring myself to blog for a week.  I was lucky that my loyal New Zealand reader, Melissa had made it through the quake there.  Then this thing with Japan.  I couldn't bring myself to talk about myself for a whole week.  That's like a year in me years.  I had a pretty solid Japanese following before.  I haven't seen a single hit since.  It... bothers me.

Ultimately though, I have absolute faith in them.  They are brilliant, kind, fucked-up, and totally inappropriate.  Just like me.  No wonder I love them so much.

What are some things you love about other cultures?

I is for Inappropriate

Maybe it’s a form if sadism.  Maybe it’s my desire to mildly buck the status quo.  Maybe it’s the fact that I can’t quite fit in, so I relish the odd as a form of self-affirmation.  For whatever reason, I love the inappropriate.



Some examples:

Hugs that go on just a little too long.
Handshakes that go on just a little too long.  With no shaking.  And direct eye contact.
Sex jokes in the nunnery.
Nun jokes in the sexery.
Purposefully using words in a slightly oblique fashion.
Leg humping.
Dead baby jokes.
Live baby jokes… why aren’t there any?
            “A man finds a live baby in a trashcan.  He immediately calls Child Services.”
                        Okay, maybe it needs work.
Fleshlights. (I’m not even going to link it.)
Having to explain that the Childlike Empress isn’t actually a child, and is in fact quite ancient, and the actress was eight years older than me, so it’s not weird at all to have a crush on her.
Also Wednesday Addams.  Christina Ricci is my age.
            Should I have just said Christina Ricci?  Oh well.  Too late now.
Pretending a strawberry is a tongue, then making out with it.
Not putting water in condensed soup, then drinking it out of the can.



Just a brief list of some of the finer things in life of which most people deprive themselves.  I won’t say guilty pleasures, ‘cause I just don’t feel guilty about my nude Gilmore Girls parties.  One day I might even get a guest.

What things do you like that most people think are a little off?