Oh, Depression...

Fun Fact: Camels rape each other a lot.  Did you know that?  They do.

So it's been a few weeks since I've posted.  I haven't had a good track record recently.  I have this thought that this blog is what will teach me how to better communicate with an audience.  I have aspirations of being a writer and one day building a fan base and this blog is like a practice go.  I don't mean to convey the idea that I don't care about you all, or that I don't take this seriously.  It's just that I need a safe place to build myself up and see what works.  I need to find a way to tackle major issues before they can become crippling to any sort of future career, and I think I've come across the biggest so far.

Depression.

I've noticed that when I go A.W.O.L. for the longest is when I've gone through my toughest bouts.  I have an important step to make.

1. All of my life I've been struggling with depression.
2. I've chosen a profession in writing.
3. Depression keeps me from writing.

I need to find a way around this.  When I sat down to write this I intended to write an elegant insight into what it's like to experience depression.  I find that I cannot find the words.  When I try it comes across as whiny or preachy.  I find that I'm rather prone to melodrama.  Ideally I'd like this blog to be humorous with a touch of real human experience.  I don't want it to be an online journal detailing the trivialities of day-to-day life, or a soap box for me to whine about whatever is bothering me.  Still, I feel the need to touch on it at least briefly.

Depression isn't simply getting hung up on a problem or a lack of ability to "get over it."  It's a real, physical thing.  It comes and goes and when it comes, everything hurts.  Simple tasks become exhausting and problems seem insurmountable.  Hope feels like a lie and everything you do is wrong.  You get so tired and overwhelmed that you can barely see the point of going on.  The world seems so dark, and it's so easy to let it collapse around you.

Over the past couple of years I've learned to distinguish what are my real thoughts and what are the depression's thoughts.  I've gotten much better at not acting on the ideas born of depression.  The biggest problem as it relates to this blog is that it also stifles creativity, at least it does for me.  I find it hard to be witty an irreverent when all I want to do is hide, cry, and sleep... often in that order.

I haven't found the answer yet.  I'll probably keep looking all my life, but in the meantime I've found a few things that help.

1. I keep a pill fob clipped to my belt loop at all times.  Like here for instance.  Inside it I keep little scraps of paper.  Written on them are the secrets of happiness that I sometimes stumble across.  When things get bad I look through them and try to remember what I'm doing.

2. I sit down and reacquaint myself with the people and things that inspire and encourage me, like:

3. I talk to my friends.  I don't always know how to say what I'm feeling, and they don't always know what to say, but it means the world to me to know that they care enough to try.

So, I can't guarantee that it won't happen again, but I want you to know I'm trying... and that you guys are never far from my thoughts.

Are there things about yourself that you find yourself struggling with that keep you from what you want to do?

James and Adam: Climb a Mountain

Well, it's been one week since I've engaged in the Hot for Con challenge.  I've improved my diet, exercised daily, and gotten plenty of rest.  The results?

Down 3.5 lbs.

It's a good start.  I'm sure that my progress will slow as my body gets used to what's going on, but I'm encouraged nonetheless.

However, being a creature of momentum, I wanted an extra boost to keep me going.  To that end I met up with Stiver himself to create this masterpiece.  Enjoy.

Let's Pretend It's Last Week: Part 1

Last week was pretty bad for me, personally and professionally.  I tend to withdraw when I'm not in a good place, which apparently also translates to my blog.  That's a shame because there were other things I wanted to talk about last week.  So, let's all look through the crystal ball at what might have been and pretend it's last week.

Monday, March 14th:

And so it's Pi day.  It's a beautiful day were we celebrate pastries and mathematics; two perfect things that have nothing to do with each other but our ubiquitous love of puns.

Everyone loves pies.  However, I feel that I have a greater love of them than most.  I love all sorts of pies.
Quiche - The breakfast pie
Shepherd's - The dinner pie
Cheesecake - The sweet cheese pie

My favorite?  Pumpkin

I've been making pies since I was a kid.  My most proud accomplishment?

The Bucket of Pie

It was a full meal pie.  It was served with a spade.
Top Layer - Pulled Pork BBQ
Second Layer - Corn mixed with Mashed Potato
Third Layer - Biscuit
Bottom Layer - Sweet Potato Pie


This leaves us to discuss Pi.  Honestly, I don't have much to say about it.  It's nice, and it sounds like pie.
I found this wonderful video that explores the musical nature of Pi.  It's simply beautiful.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

My Great Language Learning Challenge: Japanese

So, last month the author of Multiculturalism for Steampunk issued a challenge.  She asked everyone to learn a bit of a new language throughout February, then post a video following a particular guideline displaying what they learned.  The person who posted the most entertaining video would get a hat.

I want that hat.

So here is my video:

I prefer my hat in grays and reds if at all possible.  Thank you.  You're welcome.

P.S. - I had originally offered the role of Giggle Panda to Jenny the Bloggess, but she felt that she was not giggly enough for the part.  I'm pretty sure she's kicking herself about now.

Picture Day!

So the other day I was walking down the street at passed The Brunswick Zone, which is apparently a bowling place, or something.  I always think it's an X-Treme Soup venue.  I'd go if it was.  Any way, they have a sign out front where they wish a happy birthday to whatever children would be excited to see their name in lights in conjunction with flashy stews.

Yes!  Happy Birthday, Natnin!!!

I'm not sure who's to blame here.  Did the Brunswick Zone grossly misspell some variation of Nathan?  Did some mother actually name their child Natnin?  Either way, someone should be ashamed.

I continued down the street passed the liquor store.  They were proudly displaying some of their days deals.

That's... entirely too many Es.

It took me a moment to realize that they had substituted another E for what I assume was an F that went MIA.  I guess that was the point, though.

I continued on to the World Market to sooth my worried soul with their international foods and decorations.  I came across this owl.

OMG Cute!!!

I was seriously interested in purchasing this owl, due to its extreme cuteness.  So I turned it over to learn its price.

Wait... what?

At first I was encouraged by its low price tag.  Then... I don't understand.  "For Decorative Purpose Only?"  What?  What else would I use it for?  Seriously!  No, really.  What the hell would I be doing with this that wasn't decorative?

I wasn't the same for the rest of the day.


P.S. - I did a Google search for"Natnin," just to see if it was a popular foreign name and I was being way insensitive.  All I found was this loving video tribute to food:

Shared Memories

One of my favorite memories in life happened while there was no one around. This has always made me sad, so this post is about doing what I can to rectify that.

It was the holiday season. I was in a large cabin in the middle of the woods. The room was empty except for some tables and chairs... and a gingerbread house. On a table near the middle there was a gingerbread house. With a yard. And gingerbread men in that yard. It was beautiful. It had been there since the night before. If anyone was going to eat it, they would have done so by then.

I could not resist.

It was a dream come true, and no one was there to witness it. So I asked my friend Carrie to make me a similar setup. She did. So now I share with you a reenactment of what happened on that glorious night.



Also, imagine my surprise when I examined the remains and found a can of chicken noodle soup.

I suppose it is important to eat healthy after devouring a pastry man and his pastry home.  So, thank you.

I Have a Problem

Allie Brosh is the person who made me want to start a blog.  I never intended to do anything in the vein of her work, but she made me want to explore my own voice.

Her blog touched me because we share a similar problem.  But where I go to great lengths to hide mine and never let anyone notice, she brings it out, tells everyone to take a great big look, and makes it hilarious.  I don't know if this is a natural, easy thing for her, but for me it would be terrifying.

I'm not perfect.  In fact, I would go so far as to say that I am deeply flawed... in many ways.  I know that anyone reading this must see this as a statement of blatant fact on par with announcing that the sky is blue, or that bitches be crazy.  I have always known that it is natural for people to be flawed, but for me I always considered it to be a temporary condition.  Given enough time I would identify all of my problems and fix them.  I've had a list for many years of the things that were wrong with me.  I've been working solidly to cross things off of that list.  Self improvement has become a way of life.  I've recently come to understand that it's also become an obsession.

Somewhere along the line I became convinced of my own worthlessness.  Since then I have been doing everything I can increase my own perceived value.  It's been pretty slow going overall, as this has all been subconscious, but its been happening.  I evaluate my own traits and judge them as either positive, negative, or irrelevant.  I've polarized my view of myself, and I'm only happy if I'm making what I consider to be significant progress.  Which brings me to my worst problem:

I'm a procrastinator.  Like bad.  There are things I will put off for no good reason, things that I need to do or I will suffer dire consequences.  I've never understood why I do that, but I think I have a clue now.  Whenever it happens I have already made a mistake, or at least what I consider to be one.  If I proceed, someone will see it, and I can scarcely bear calling attention to my flaws.

I don't know how people live with their flaws and do nothing to try to improve them.  If you're not happy with who you are, you should do everything you can to improve yourself.  That's what I've been saying to myself.  I've said it a lot.  Many times a day.  It never even occurred to me that I would never run out of problems; That one day I would just have to make a conscious decision that I was good enough, in spite of any remaining flaws.  Maybe it's not even about that, right?  Maybe I'm not a list of talents and flaws.  Maybe I'm a collection of traits.  Maybe I'm already good enough.

...

Or maybe I just need to learn more ukulele songs.  Clearly that will make me a better man!