Thursday, September 6, 2012

Gremlin Gripes

I have recently taken to storing my hammer next to my computer.  I have felt the need to remind it that I am the boss and how much damage I can do to it.  Nuisance after nuisance have troubled me for weeks, and half of them have come from my computer.  I am not a Luddite.  I am not a newb.  I do computery things for a living and I generally know wtf I'm doing.  However, I have faced a string of Murphy's law type tech troubles and have come to the only reasonable conclusion:


There are one or more mischievous fey following me and sabotaging every computer I use until I am so mad that I am reduced to a sputtering mass of flailing rage.  I needed to find relief, so I turned to the place I was sure had the wisdom that could deliver me from this chaos:

The Internet.

Now, I was hoping for some Grade-A quackery right off the bat.  I thought I was in immediate luck when I found a search result called: Warwick Davis - Get Rid of Your Gremlins.  Sadly, it has to do with an adult education program in the UK in which he was participating.  I was at least able to get this sweet midget/gremlin pic, so not a total loss.

As it turns out, gremlins have become a metaphor for self-doubt in the self-help community, which diluted my "how to get rid of gremlins" searches with instances of people trying to improve the lives of others.


In my search I did find this delightful satire on Hamster Republic on the nature of Technomancy and how it applies to your computer.  It's a little lengthy, but it does posses some valuable insights into the supernatural evils that are computers, such as "Take a screwdriver, open up your computer, and take a look at the circuit boards. They are usually green, and are covered with complex patterns of thin copper lines. These are Circuit Runes, written in arcane and ancient languages that describe the magic spells that bind the imps to the chips."

I was able to find a genuine spell to get rid of gremlins, but sadly, it only works on laundry machines. Seems awfully specific, but hey, if that's your issue, then it's super-convenient.

I found a gremlins listing on handy little supernatural bestiary.  Turns out that the natural enemy of the gremlin is the pigeon.  However, I have never been able to catch a pigeon and I'm not willing to pay the $265 it would take to get the cheapest set.  This site claims that they can also be lured into empty beer bottles.  Now this makes sense.  I usually drink heavily when I'm cruising through the vast sea of inappropriateness of the Internet, so there's usually bottles strewn about.  A few weeks ago I started to keep things a little cleaner and that's when everything went downhill.

Life lesson learned?
Drink more and stop cleaning up after yourself.

That won't last long, I have too much to do.  My liver, education, and I could use the help of my wonderful readers.  You guys have any advise on how to get rid of/appease these guys?


Melissa said...

I wish i could help but my computer hates me and has spent most of the last month in the shop getting "fixed" which im beginning to realize actually means "more broken" i have incredibly limited internet on my cell. . Which i am currently using to write this incredibly unhelpful comment. Sigh. Anyway, happy belated birthday adam jones. - melissa

Adam Jones said...

At least you're making the best possible use of the technology you have at hand. A applaud you.

And thank you for the well wishes!

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