Friday, December 31, 2010

Animals: Fears and Plurals

One day Stiver and I were discussing the pros and cons of various operating systems.  He mentioned offhandedly that one was a ram hog.  It used up a lot of your computers Random Access Memory, and kept it from being used elsewhere.  However, in a horrible flash, I got a vision of the Ram Hog.

The Ram Hog has the bulk of a boar with the athleticism of a ram.  It comes complete with boar tusks, ram horns, and a curly tail with a tuft at the end.  Its fur is just long enough to become disheveled, it's hooves shine like steel, and its eyes are furious embers.

The Ram Hog is the third most terrifying creature I'm pretty sure doesn't exist.

You may be wondering what the top two most terrifying, yet possibly imaginary creatures are.  I'll tell you.

#2: Cybernetic Polar Bears.  A group of Cybernetic Polar Bears is called a God Damned Tragedy.  It's a God Damned Tragedy of Cybernetic Polar Bears.  Let me explain.  The Polar Bear is the world's largest land carnivore, but it spends its days in the Arctic Circle, so no worries, right?  Wrong.  Everything's fine until some asshole moves to the Arctic Circle to do amoral cybernetic research without the prying eyes of any government regulation.  He needs test subjects, so he captures some of the local wildlife.  Fucking Polar Bears.  He enhances them far beyond their already deadly capacities.  Now they're smarter, deadlier, and hate humanity for turning them into monsters.  You think they'll settle for killing an entire research station?  They will not.  They'll come for the rest of us.

#1: Flying Scorpions.  Scorpions hate you.  Even the normal ones.  All they want is to kill you.  You could be 100ft away, and they will come at you as fast as their tiny legs will carry them, just to hear you scream from them injecting venom into your veins.  It's an aphrodisiac for them.  They get off on murdering you.  The only reprieve is being able to climb on a stool or something and kick them away as they get to you.  Not if they had wings.  You couldn't stop them.  They could get anywhere.  Entire swarms of them would sweep the world in a murderous rampage.  That's why a group of Flying Scorpions is called a Terror.  A Terror of Flying Scorpions.

One night Handsome Matt and Steampunk Boba Fett told me that there were Flying Scorpions.  I told them to shut their fucking lying faces, and not to be dirty liars, because that shit isn't funny.  No Sir.  Then they showed me this.

No.  Fucking.  Way.

My blood ran cold and I instantly yearned for death.  I no longer wanted to be in this world; Not in world with that.  But before I could plan my suicide, they let me know that they are not true scorpions, they're scorpionflies, and they're allegedly harmless.  They're insects, not arachnids, and that's not actually a stinger on its tail.  It's its genitalia.  Honestly, I couldn't figure out if I was more or less terrified.  Have fun sleeping for the rest of your life.

Oh, and happy New Year!

P.S. - I still don't know what a group of Ram Hogs is called.


McDurp said...

This has got to be the best one I have read.

I will cherish the last 4 minutes I have spent reading this. Bravo.

winkettewunk said...

I was very sad when I found out that a bush hog was some sort of farm/landscaping equipment and not a cute little pig like creature rooting around in thickets....

Amber Lee said...

errr... winkettewunk is me btw... I wasn't sure if my last name would show up if I commented under this account, but Stiver has shown me the light.

Adam Jones said...

McDurp - Thank you. Glad I could help.

Amber Lee - OMG, Now I totally can't stop thinking about imaginary Bush Hogs. They're only about a foot and a half long, and they trot everywhere.

Unknown said...

A group of Ramhogs would be called a Kazaa. One such group killed my computer in college. It was a horrific sight, full of pop-ups and blue screens. The horrible death wails of "Error 404!!" chilled me to the bone.

I followed a link from The Bloggess here, and I am pleased to have another delightful distraction impeding on my work performance! Keep up the great posts!

Shara said...

This is the funniest rant I have ever read. Thank you for bringing the horror of Flying Scorpions into my life. XD

Anonymous said...

Just imagine being the first scientist to see THAT thing flying around... you *would* run screaming from the jungle!

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