Monday, December 13, 2010

You Know What? Apocalypse.

For many, many years now I've been having frequent and vivid dreams of the apocalypse.  I've had just about all kinds now.

In one the Earth in knocked slightly off path an our orbit becomes long and elliptical.  The problem is that at the far point of our orbit was so far away, that we would all freeze to death before it came back.  I just went outside and watched the world turn to frost, then go to sleep forever.

In another the moon came crashing down on us.  Only it took forever.  Even traveling at astronomical speeds, it still took a couple of days for it to get here.  It's the waiting that kills you.*

I've been there when the world's surface was torn apart by earthquakes and volcanoes erupting everywhere.  That one was a bit of an action/adventure.  I did a running jump to catch a rope ladder that was hanging from a helicopter.  Fun stuff.

And many more.  The one I get the most though, and my favorite, is Zombie Apocalypse.  I'm the King of Zombie Apocalypse.

So I know a thing or two about the end of the world, and I'm calling it.  This is it.  The end of days.  Not only have truly bizarre thing continued to happen all around me for months, now the final sign:

It's snowing.  In Georgia.  In December.  Two days in a row.

I can just imagine the conversation with any of my Yankee friends:

Them:  So what?  It's winter.  That's what it's supposed to do.  Besides, it's been snowing here for the last three months straight.

Me:  You know what?  Fuck you.

Them:  That's rude.  I thought you said we were friends.  And it's quite unbecoming of a southern gentleman.

Me:  You're right, I'm sorry.  Fuck you, Sir/Ma'am.  I know you live where snow comes from, but I don't.  You know what we have here?  Three months straight of 120 degree Fahrenheit, 98% humidity, swampy bullshit.  Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm sweating, or if water is simply condensing on me because I'm cooler than my surrounding area. (Note: I am always cooler than my surrounding area.)**  We may get a flurry or two in February, but that's it.  Many years it doesn't snow at all.

Them:  That was rather lengthy.  Wouldn't that have been better served in an essay format, rather than dialog?

Me.  Fuck you...  I get ranty sometimes...  Sir/Ma'am.

P.S. - Sorry about all of the italics and cursing.  Just that kind of day.

*I've never even played Majora's Mask.
** That was a pun.


Anonymous said...

It snowed THREE freaking times last year. Now it's snowing in damned December. I'm calling bullshit.

Also, the apocalypse is already scheduled. Make your plans now!

Laura Dell'Orco said...

As not only a yankee but specifically YOUR yankee sister, I absolutely must comment! Yes, the kids are home from school today because of heavy snow and no, it is not unusual aside that snow doesn't typically get this heavy until after the new year but oh how I so appreciate hearing the southern gentleman dialect when being told to fuck off! It's wonderful! I do agree, it shouldn't be snowing in Georgia! Why would you want to come to Michigan for Christmas if it means you may miss a white Christmas at home? Damn you snow! Know your boundaries!!!

I am convinced you are correct about the apocalypse. How else could you explain siblings separated for 27 years to come together and find they have had similar apocalyptic dreams over the years, zombies included! People think I'm just plain nuts when I talk about my dreams but now that I've found you I know my dreams are just preparing me for my destiny to join forces with you and take out those brain sucking mofos!!

Jenny said...

I love your puns.

Adam Jones said...

Pecanita - Well, I checked the math, and it's pretty solid. Dang. I've really been looking forward to the release of The Old Republic, but now it looks like I'll only have about a month to play it before the end of the world. Bummer.

Laura - For the record: I would come to Michigan for Christmas, no matter what the color of Christmas back home, just to see you. Also, if the world has to end down the gullet of a zombie, I would be proud to fight it off by your side.

Jenny - It's nice to be appreciated for my wit. ;p

Noah said...

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