Monday, September 17, 2012

Goodbye Ms. Downey

Pictured here reveling in their superiority to
the commoners who walk beneath them
On August 24th, 2012, my dear friend Katie Downey put on a fancy dress and became Katie Mueller. 

There was also some guy in a tux, he seemed nice.

I love going to weddings because they are all about three people.  In order of importance it’s:

1. The Bride

2. The Groom

3. Adam Jones

Not many people know that, but it’s true.  Now, I never interfere with ceremonies, toasts, or pictures, but in those brief moments when it’s not about the bride and groom, it’s Adam Jones’ time to shine.  Buffets, open bars, and dance floors are my ancestral home and where I feel most at ease.

Then I get to win.

Pictured here bowing in appreciation of
the applause, ‘cause I’m a classy bitch.
See, the reason that I rank so high on the list during an event that ostensibly has nothing to do with me is that I understand the game.  Weddings are a contest that one can win, and I always win.  All I have to do is catch the garter belt.  The reason that I always win is that I’m not afraid to knock a bitch over to catch the prize in a Once-in-a-lifetime Championship Underwear event.  Any fear of trampling innocent partygoers in what some believe to be a harmless tradition is washed away by a half-dozen flutes of champagne. 

On this particular evening the groom decided to toy with us by aiming the garter to and fro, up and down before he released.  Normally I refused to be manipulated, but there is no room for shame in a garter toss; I circled the crowd as his aim shifted.  In the end, it fell short, almost directly behind him.  I dashed forward and landed in a power slide, beating out my closest opponent by mere inches.  So powerful was my slide, it left a streak on the floor.

Pictured here suspiciously eying something to my right.
Whatever it was, I’m sure I protected everyone from it.
I then proceeded to mingle and dance maniacally, both of which are easier as a drunkard champion.  There were so many of the best people I know there.

This goes down in my book as the best wedding that I have so far attended.  Good job everyone.

We all love you very much, Katie.  I cannot express how much joy I hope is in your future, but I have no doubt that it will be there waiting for you.  Consider yourself blessed by the Reverend Doctor Jones.

Only once the last song began to play did I reveal the true glory of Adam Jones.
Pictured here being awesome.

 Anyone have any awesome wedding experiences they’d like to share?

 Oh, and all the pictures were from the lovely and talented Annie Gannon Kaufman.


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