Wednesday, April 11, 2012

J is for J. R. R. Tolkien Can Eat a D!€% (with cursing)

So I've never read any of the books, only watched the movies.
I began thinking: Wait... what?

There are several things that I just don't fundamentally get,
such as:

The One Ring
So there's this ring.  It has four powers:
It makes you invisible.
It drives you mad.
Everyone wants it.
Bad guys can track it

Seems like a pretty shitty deal.

It was never satisfactorily explained to me what the importance of this ring was.  It could maybe control the other rings and their wearers?  Why not just have everyone who was wearing a ring take theirs off?  I'm sure there was a reason, it's just that no one ever told me what it was.

Sauron
What the fuck was this guy?  I'm sure that he was more than just a big flaming eye, but what was he?  Why didn't he ever do anything?  As far as I can tell, he didn't actually have to exist for the story; everything would have happened the same way without him.  He contributed nothing.

Wizards
Okay, here's the part that really baked my noodle.  I could not figure out what the deal was with wizards.  There was no magic academy, no school, training program, or anything.  Where do wizards come from?  Are there only like, two ever?  Where the shit does magic stuff come from?  Do you not have to be a wizard to do magic?  Then what the shit does being a wizard even mean?



It finally got to the point where I broke down and consulted the internet.

Me: What the shit is Gandalf, anyway?

Internet: Gandalf is an Istari.

Me: Okay... well... what the shit is an Istari?

Internet: The Istari are a group of Maiar.

Me: Oh.  Huh.  I see.  What... what are Maiar?

Internet: The Maiar are lesser versions of Valar.

Me: Seriously?  You're doing this?  Okay.  What are Valar?

Internet: The Valar are the physical forms of the most powerful Ainur.

Me:  I swear to shit, what the shit?!  No, calm down, you're Adam Jones.  You can do this.  Okay internet.  Tell me.  What are Ainur?

Internet: The Ainur were created by Eru Ilúvatar.

Me: Fuck you, I'm done.

3 comments:

mmshaunakelley said...

I love LOTR, but I do admit to being with you on this, and other fantasy. The story in LOTR is stunning, but I can't read fantasy anymore because:
a. why do every dude, his sword, his horse, his house, his page boy, his page boy's sword and horse, and the rock on which they sleep all need some epic name. Where are the Fred and Bobs of fantasy?
b. THE ENTIRE GENRE IS ABOUT PEOPLE GETTING WAYLAID. "Oh, I shall go home now.... after 600 pages of accidentally ending up somewhere else." I've read exactly 2 fantasy series, and both could have been 3-6 books shorter with GPS.

Nate Wilson said...

Wow, for a world written about in such detail, Tolkein sure left out a lot of detail. I guess you can get away with pretty much anything in epic fantasy if you hide it behind enough layers of prophecies and ancient-sounding names.

Mary said...

Bahahahaha! Loved this post, Adam! I feel your pain in entering the web search hell that begins with a simple "Who is this dude?" I must share this! :)

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