Wednesday, April 11, 2012
J is for J. R. R. Tolkien Can Eat a D!€% (with cursing)
I began thinking: Wait... what?
There are several things that I just don't fundamentally get,
The One Ring
So there's this ring. It has four powers:
It makes you invisible.
It drives you mad.
Everyone wants it.
Bad guys can track it
Seems like a pretty shitty deal.
It was never satisfactorily explained to me what the importance of this ring was. It could maybe control the other rings and their wearers? Why not just have everyone who was wearing a ring take theirs off? I'm sure there was a reason, it's just that no one ever told me what it was.
What the fuck was this guy? I'm sure that he was more than just a big flaming eye, but what was he? Why didn't he ever do anything? As far as I can tell, he didn't actually have to exist for the story; everything would have happened the same way without him. He contributed nothing.
Okay, here's the part that really baked my noodle. I could not figure out what the deal was with wizards. There was no magic academy, no school, training program, or anything. Where do wizards come from? Are there only like, two ever? Where the shit does magic stuff come from? Do you not have to be a wizard to do magic? Then what the shit does being a wizard even mean?
It finally got to the point where I broke down and consulted the internet.
Me: What the shit is Gandalf, anyway?
Internet: Gandalf is an Istari.
Me: Okay... well... what the shit is an Istari?
Internet: The Istari are a group of Maiar.
Me: Oh. Huh. I see. What... what are Maiar?
Internet: The Maiar are lesser versions of Valar.
Me: Seriously? You're doing this? Okay. What are Valar?
Internet: The Valar are the physical forms of the most powerful Ainur.
Me: I swear to shit, what the shit?! No, calm down, you're Adam Jones. You can do this. Okay internet. Tell me. What are Ainur?
Internet: The Ainur were created by Eru Ilúvatar.
Me: Fuck you, I'm done.