Inappropriate Haiku #6

Thank you all for your continuing support and love.  You guys are amazing.  You constantly feed my desire for praise and the flesh of the living... though the latter might explain my occasional drop in followers... anyway...

You have reached several new milestones.  There are over 50 of you following me on Twitter.  More than 100 of you have liked my Facebook page.  You have helped me gain Over 9,000 page views!  That's a very special number on the internet.  As is the custom, you will be rewarded with a haiku.  Due to the nature of this particular achievement, I will be making this an internet themed haiku, with all due links.  Please enjoy,
and in lieu of that, tolerate.

Inappropriate Haiku #6

Over nine thousand

Never gonna give you up

You just lost the game

This haiku has been brought to you by: The Internet

H is for Haiku

Words cannot express my overwhelming passion for a good haiku.  Wait...

Words cannot express

My overwhelming passion

For a good haiku

There, that's better.

I think the original artist has been lost to time.

It was sometime in middle school that I first learned of the haiku.  I want to say 7th grade.  Being complete rubbish at rhyme and meter, I fell instantly in love.  I remember sitting at the Waffle House one night writing 100 haiku about the things I saw, each on its own napkin.

On October 18th, 2003, I wrote my first Inappropriate Haiku.  There was something about the elegant simplicity of the poem style, paired with the vulgarity of fellatio, especially when mixed with an element of misdirection... it warmed the very cockles of my heart.  My fucking cockles.

I can barely stop these days.  I sometimes find myself counting syllables against my will.  In retrospect, it may actually just be exacerbating my OCD, but at least it creates art.

Here is a site I found through the A-Z blogging challenge that is all about my favorite poems!

Haiku Corner

And here is a list of all my posts which include skillful arrangements of seventeen syllables.

 Tell me, what do you love about haiku?  Or, is there another style of poetry that you prefer?

Inappropriate Haiku #5 [Updated]

Okay.  We're back to our regularly scheduled posts.

You guys are lucky.  I very nearly finished out last week with a treatise on Rebecca Black.  But I didn't.  Because I love you.

You're welcome.

It was going to be good, though.

Oh!  A couple of pieces of Amazing News!

Remember how pissed I was that no one in Africa had read my blog?  Well last week some brave soul in Ghana fixed all that.  Finally, Africa seems to be taking a step in the right direction.  Now they just have to deal with all the war, starvation, cannibalism, aids, and tigers*.  But you know, one step at a time.  For the time being I can rest easily knowing that someone on every continent has seen my face and read my words.  Awesome.

-and-

Last week we hit 4,000 page views!  You know what that means.  For every milestone you get an inappropriate haiku.  This is the last of the ones that I wrote seven years ago, so after this, brand spanking new feelings of awkwardness... seventeen syllables at a time.

Inappropriate Haiku #5

The look of surprise

The instant satisfaction

Love to donkey punch

*I'm not saying that their problem is that they have too many tigers.  They have none.  That's a problem.  There should be herds of wild tigers running through Africa.

[Update]
Holy crap!  Don't worry about how or why I came across this, but I just found out that the average penis length in Ghana is 6.6in.  Dude.  Rock on.  Here in The States we've only got a 5.1.

Melissa - It looks like you've got around 5.5in in your neck of the world... or 14cm.  I don't know what you people use.

Let's Pretend It's Last Week: Part 3

Wednesday, March 16th:

Miss Kagashi finally announced the winner of the first ever Great Language Learning Challenge!  I'll save you the suspense. 

It was me.

That's right.  After recruiting a 6'3" woman, a panda, and the prettiest boy I've ever known, I managed to beat out all the other (three) contestants.  Okay, I may have gone a bit overboard.  But you know what?  I really wanted that hat.

I promised that I'd write a custom haiku for the winner.  So here is the custom haiku I wrote for me:

Victory Haiku

Challenge accepted

 I will rise above all else

No force can stop me

Miss Kagashi:  Red and gray.  Those seem like fine colors for my new hat.  Also, I promised you a haiku of your choice, no matter who won, as thanks for holding the contest.  What would you like it to be about?  Also, I'm going to need a physical address to which to send it.

P.S. - I'm declaring today Hat Victory Day.  I would have just made it Hat Day, but it didn't convey the victory, and there already was one.  So enjoy your new holiday.  I know I will.

P.P.S. - Don't worry.  Don't even worry.  I will be posting plenty of pictures of me with that hat when I get it.

Give Me a Minute

I'm gonna be afk for a few days, my people.  I have a great deal of things to take care of in the coming week.  I'm getting ready to move this weekend.  I'm getting ready for a convention this weekend.  I have a couple of projects that can no longer be put off.

But hark, do not lose heart.

When I get back next week I'll have a whole string of reader appreciation posts.

So come back, you'll be glad you did.

In the mean-time, just to hold you over:

Haiku About Something I See in the Room Right Now #1

 You've my sympathies

You see things none should have to

My poor, poor web cam

Innapropriate Haiku #4

I know I tell you guys this a lot, but I love you.  I think it's important to say that kind of thing often.  You keep coming back here.  I mean, I don't blame you, I'm kinda great, but it's rare that people recognize a good thing when they see it.  Because of your clear thinking I've gotten to 2,500 page views!  Now for your reward.

Inappropriate Haiku # 4
 

Listen Aunt Sara
Your money's on the dresser
Now get the fuck out 

P.S. - I'm working on a new segment I think you guys are gonna like.  Maybe.  I don't really understand you people.

P.P.S. - Just to nip that in the bud, I didn't mean "you people" in a racist way.  I've been made an honorary black man on three different occasions, by three different black men.  So I clearly have no problem with the coloreds.

P.P.P.S. - The beautiful Miss Kagashi, author of Multiculturalism for Steampunk, is hosting a contest to promote multiculturalism.  She is asking people to take the month of February and learn a little bit of a new language.  You can go check out the rules here.  If you make a video of yourself at the end of the month, sharing a bit of what you've learned, you could win a nice new hat.  And have a lot of fun.  And maybe get a hat.

I want that hat.

However, I want a lot of people to enter this.  I realize this is counter-productive of me, as it increases my competition, but I don't care.  In fact, I'll sweeten the pot.  If you win the competition, and stop by here to let me know, I'll write you a haiku on the subject of your choice.  I'll even send you a framed copy of it.*  You know what?  I'll even do the same for Miss Kagashi, as a token of appreciation for trying to better all you Philistines.

P.P.P.P.S. - I'm going to try to learn some Japanese.  If any of my Japanese readers (or readers who know Japanese) have any hints, tips, or advice, I'd love to hear it.  Thanks! 


*If you pick a subject like Antidisestablishmentarianism, I may also spit on it.

I'm Dead. Sorry.

You may or may not have noticed that I haven't posted in a week.

That is because I am dead.

In a ditch.

Covered in snow.

You may or may not remember back about a month ago when I talked about how we all went crazy because snow stuck for a day.  Well, since then Snowpocalypse hit the southeast and Georgia has shut down.  I have been working from home all week.

That may sound nice, but I have been trapped in my bedroom for a week straight.  I was going to tell you about the adventures I had last weekend, but now all I can think of is my wall.

My bedroom wall.  It's all I see.  It's all I know.

I have vague, distant memories of things other than my bedroom wall.  They come to me in dreams.  I remember a thing we used to call "The Sun."  It was glorious.  But I also remember fighting ninjas on an Aztec temple.  Dreams can be like that.

I should tell you about that one sometime.

Anyway, point is, I'll be back to my poorly regularly scheduled bullshit blog soon.  I just need to find someway to resurrect myself from this cold ditch-grave, which is for some reason also my bedroom.

[Edit]

Blizzard Haiku

Warm bedroom prison

Eternal winter beyond

Cold oblivion

Inappropriate Haiku #3

Wow, you guys are amazing.  Since I somehow managed to make The Bloggess' Comment of the Day on this post, I've gotten quite a bit of extra traffic on this site.  That has pushed us up to 1,500 total page views!  My blog is still a baby, and I'm new to this sort of thing, but I've gotten several constructive tips to help this along.  It makes me really happy, and I'm about to pass along some of that happiness to you!  So here it is.  You had this coming.

Inappropriate Haiku #3

Ashley Olsen nude
Eating cornbread off the floor
Would be dead sexy 

P.S. - I fully acknowledge that it may be kinda cheap to celebrate 1,500 and not just wait until 2,000, but shut up, that's why!

Inappropriate Haiku #2

I've been looking for a new milestone so I can continue releasing my collection of inappropriate haiku.  It's been a little slow coming, but we've gotten another milestone: 1000 total page views!

I'm trying not to be sad. The lovely Jeni Hellum just announced that her blog, Multiculturalism for Steampunk, just enjoyed its 50,000th view, and it's only been up for about two months longer than mine.  To be fair, her blog deals with public interests in a popular sub-genre, and she is heavily involved in Llama related charities; While I mostly talk about ham, hookers, and my own over-inflated ego, so I find it only natural that she should pull in a wider fan base than myself.  So I am left to celebrate what victories I am left with, and here we are.  Your reward:

Inappropriate Haiku #2

She is very cute
She'll look real nice in my trunk
Next to the others

P.S. - I wrote these things seven years ago, and there's only a few more, so bear with me.  Once we get through three more milestones I'll start writing new ones.

Inappropriate Haiku #1

You did it!  Last night as I lay slumbering, you guys gave me my first milestone:  50 Followers! (On my Facebook fan page)

Sure, maybe in some grand scheme fifty followers aren't that much, but in my Grand Scheme you fifty followers are the foundation upon which I shall build my empire!  You hear that?  Fame and fortune, and it all starts with you.  To show my gratitude, I am sharing with you one of my greatest treasures.  Below is the first of my beloved Inappropriate Haiku.  Please enjoy.

Inappropriate Haiku #1

Gentle and loving

Your eyes reflect the starlight

Now get on my cock

P.S.  I know I've been posting a lot this last week.  It's that new blog smell, I have trouble staying away.  I'll calm down here soon and post something with a little more substance.