It's not that I have an ethical or moral problem with sex. I like the idea of it, I just have difficulty with the physical completion of the act.
See, due to low self esteem, poor body image, and a complete lack of understanding of how to interact with people in a romantic capacity*, I remained a virgin until my late twenties. Even then... it did not go well.
I should mention that from the ages of eighteen to twenty-one I worked at a porn store. A jack-shack, to be specific. It was my job to sell a minimum of three dollars worth of tokens to whoever stumbled in. They would then go sit in a booth, feed it the tokens, select from a choice of thirty-two movies that were playing in an endless loop, and do what men locked in booths with porn do.
I knew that sex was nothing like it was in the porns, but I also knew that it was what people wanted it to be. In their deepest, id-iest parts... They may love their spouses, and love making love to them, but sooner or later that urge for a tranny midget gang bang hits, and you're back in Lowest Common Denominator Land.
It's okay. I don't judge.
The point is, eventually it got ingrained in me that sex is something that two or more porn stars do to each other. Or the guys do to each other in the back of the 'shack. Or, given enough money, perverts do to the nice ladies on the corner. Or sluts did with whoever happened to be around at those parties to which I always regretted going. Or assholes did with whoever would let them, and sometimes even that wouldn't stop them.
It wasn't something that respectable people did.
Orgasms were something you had where no one could see you, behind locked doors, in the dark, as quietly as possible. It wasn't something you did in the presence of a lady, and certainly not inside her... The very notion seemed dreadfully inappropriate.
I'll often say that I am of three minds on everything. Usually I consider it one of my greatest strengths. Two tend to hold polar opposite opinions, and the third typically tries to find some sort of compromise. I'll pick one to act with, but on some level I believe them all.
Mind One believes as I explained above, that sex is for pervs and I'm wrong for wanting it.
Mind Two understands that sex can be a perfectly healthy act between two people who care about and respect each other... but has never really heard of it happening (because the people that do it don't talk about it).
Mind Three thinks that sex is complicated and I should go drink something alcoholic.
It's difficult to get out of my own head and get into the moment. It's difficult to take any of it seriously, and the only alternatives seem to be comedic sex, and ironic sex... which is also difficult for me, because the concept of irony completely eludes me... but that's an entirely different post.
* Which are all largely much better now, likely due to sex.
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